4.18.2012

this just in

 We received the following report from a faithful correspondent while the wires were down, but are now reproducing it here in full.

The National Weather Service warned early today that its most sensitive  egonomic indicators were showing a strong northeasterly shift, moving the center point of egocentric activity away from its traditional center in Manhattan and pulling it strongly toward the Rochester area.

  Scientists are puzzled by the abrupt shift.

  Dr. Myron Knowsome, director of the center, said that his instruments began to record the shift on Friday and that by Sunday all indices were showing a strong pull toward the upstate New York city.

"No one expects Rochester to show up in these readings. We see shifts during the Oscars awards away from New York toward the West coast but they don't usually last more than a day. This is significant," he said.

   Rochester Emergency Management Chief Thomas Hornblower, contacted by satellite phone because old phones--or people--no longer work in Rochester said he was surprised. "Everybody who knew anything left here a long time ago," he said. "Our ego readings have largely been in the negative numbers for the past ten years. And we don't have enough fracking sites here to explain it."

    "The only new people here in the last few days have been 10 Magnum photographers and their worshipers. I mean workers. It could be them but I couldn't tell because they barely talk to each other and won't tell me anything."

    The troubling shift of the nation's egonomic center is already causing disturbances in Nyack, a one peaceful city on the Hudson that is now the new center point."

    "Over this weekend we have seen hyper competitive barbequing disputes, lawn mowing work that went on until neighbors dropped, battles at the marina for the top dock space and much more competition for parking spaces downtown, often involving tire irons," Nyack Mayor John Friendly said from a hideout in his back yard.

   But perhaps the most terrifying event, according Police Chief Fred Dunkin, was when Mary Goodheart, former head of the Clean Up Nyack Coalition and Quaker anti-everything activist showed up at the local Toyota shop to pick up what she once described as her dream car, a new Prius.

   "Fuck the Prius," she told William Badtire, the sales manager. "That is so not me any more." She then drove off in a used 1982 Pontiac GTO muscle car.

  "We are not sure how long we can handle this," the mayor said before he hastily hung up.

Dan Rather contributed to this report

5 comments :

Claudia said...

I guess it's kind of an inside joke. . .

Anonymous said...

Still an important news story

Anonymous said...

Why would the weather service keep track of ego maniacs?

Anonymous said...

The weather service determined that rainmakers and blowhards do impact the weather

Claudia said...

When does the Eastward shift occur?