Welcome to The Apartment of No Regrets. And we'd like to keep it that way, right? There is someone sleeping in every room right now. I'm leaving tomorrow for a long time—which doesn't seem to deter the stream of visitors, which indicates that they're not really here to see me. But in case Kathleen wants to channel me while I'm gone, I thought I'd leave her a cheat sheet of houseguest guidelines.
Please water my plants, inside and outside the kitchen window. They need water almost every day.
Use the bathmat draped over the tub when you take a shower. Yes, people tell me the shower is very small.
Please leave the bathroom door open if you aren't in there. If you are staying in the guest room, please leave your toiletries in the half bath, except for shampoo and etc.
No sex without marriage. Just kidding! Please have lots of sex! I just don't want to stagger to the bathroom in the morning and have Deborah Lee or any other random person pop out of your room without warning.
Separate the trash. The garbage has a plate over it. The other wastebasket is for bottles, cans and plastics. I usually put newspapers in a stack on the floor. The trash goes out by the freight elevator.
You don't have to tiptoe around when I'm sleeping—I'm deaf and won't hear you. I'm not deeply into conversation first thing in the morning, however. And my neighbors don't appreciate loud chat in the kitchen (air shaft) after midnight.
About food: You may eat or drink anything you want from the fridge, except the last little bit of milk for coffee in the morning. Help yourself; don't ask me every time. Coffee filters in the cupboard top left of the dishwasher. You may cook anything you want anytime you want. If I cook, I will offer you whatever I'm making, but it will almost always be soup. Don't ask me to go out for meals; it is not a treat for me. I live here. The takeout menus are in the lower drawer of the endtable in the kitchen. Also, "What's for lunch?" is my least favorite phrase in the English language.
Re the dishwasher. It has to be attached to the faucet and the faucet turned on to work. If you don't know how to do this, don't turn it on. It will fry the heating element.
No, I don't have a TV. And I don't want to go to the movies with you, either.
There's wireless DSL. Piggyback away.
If you aren't coming home for the night, please let me know. Text or e mail me if it's late.
Please leave your pets at home—unless they are Havanese.
Your friends are welcome. Clean up the breakage and tip the doorman if it's a big party.
I don't want to come home and find rotten food in the refrigerator or trash can and a pile of dirty linens. There is a laundry card in the kitchen endtable top drawer.
If you get locked out or have a building question, Debby is in 4D and Toby is in 16D—or call me on my cell.
Please do not give me any gift certificates—I'll never use them. If you want to leave a token of your appreciation, cash is always acceptable. I'll have the place cleaned for the next gang.
Remember: I could show up at any time.
Sincerely,
Your Hostess
PS Kathleen has her own list of suggestions, both for living with me and with her, but I'll let her share those. I'll give you one heads up: Don't ask her to sing.
fair warning: on block island or manhattan or in missouri, we can be a little salty
9 comments:
This doesn't sound like it is for guests... This ismore like your version of child rearing 101.
1. I do water the plants. They die on me anyway.
2. I know where to put the bathmat. You can fit at least 4 people in the shower if you try.
3.Also, if your room is a mess you do not have to clean it, but you must "get your shit out of the hallway and close the door."
4. No marriage w/o sex seems more the rule...
5.If you drink the last bit of milk for coffee, you will die.
6.Ask her to make you a sandwich, she loves that. But she won't cut off the crust. That's the good part.
7.She really doesn't like when all the towels are dirty when she comes home. Some of her guests have taken to using a hand towel so she'll have less laundry to carry...
8. She doesn't know how to text message, she's lying.
Can't wait to hear Kathleen's!!!
1)Before chatting to Claudia in the morn check her blog to see if she has posted it yet. If so chat on.
2)Don't try to dance with her unless you are a follower or it will feel more like a wrestling match.
3)Don't try to help her clean the dishes if she's
in the process. You can do them for her but once she's started you will feel her irritation as you try help. Just clean the table and hand her things.
4)Don't try to help cook either. May be due to the small kitchen or she doesn't like being touched butt to butt. Although she may like the butt to butt thing
with a person of her choice. I don't really know.
Don't know it this rule applies to larger kitchens.
5) No hugging on her unless at the moments like arrivals and departures. This rule definitely does not apply to Hannah. All others beware. She would never say anything to reject you, she just may tense up and pull away.
6) As for Claudia's rule about not asking me to sing.
Not true. You can always ask. I usually will share a song or two. If I am spent from hours of singing already I will politely decline. Throwing money helps but not necessary.
7) Please do shut the door if you are in there.
8) Don't try to converse with her if you're not in the
same room. She will hear that you speaking but not hear well enough. This seems to really irritate her.
I have to admit I've babbled non words from the other room just to mess. For this I apologize.
9) Loud chatting late night does not seem to be a rule that Claudia obeys.
I'll get back to you with other suggestions later.
Thanks Claud! I've known you for 20 years yet I didn't know half these things. (Maybe because I've rarely spent the night.) This is much more imformative than the 25 Random Things About Me list that's been so hot on Facebook. I just may be bunking down sooner than you think.
Oh, My, God. Everyone left out the out the most important thing!!
"Do not walk by her with a stack of her paper napkins, or a roll of her paper towels, which you are intending to use for your own benefit.
Even if you ARE planning to replace them."
And she was very nice to my cats. They want to spend the summer with The Infinitely Gracious One, as does my 17 year-old daughter.
All three are working on the song: "Sitting on A Backyard Fence" for her.
It's from Busby Berkeley's "Footlight Parade."
Ruby Keeler, dressed in a cat costume. Remember?
"Meow , meow, the kitty kat is cooing.
He show's a lot of common sense.
Meow, meow, there's always something doing.
Sitting on a back yard fence."
I'll buy Cate a cat costume, and train the cats to impersonate Cuba. I mean, Moxie.
It will be fine.
Just remember. Even though we don't see eye-to-eye on paper products, there's no one I'd rather be with than Claudia.
The trouble is, half the world seems to feel the same way.
She SO needs a bigger apartment.
As soon as Claudia drives off I'll be posting up some new rules.
Good idea Anonymous. I'll start the ball rolling:
DON'T interfere with her New York Times crossword puzzle or acrostic
DO point out that she doesn't have a chance in hell of finishing them without asking Anonymous for help with geographical clues.
DO buy her flowers. A big bunch of peonies is best.
DON'T miss out on her white bean and kale soup. It's heaven.
DO thank your lucky stars that you're friends
DON'T tell her how much you love her or she'll know you're drunk and about run off home
DO ask her what was the first thing she grabbed when her hotel caught fire in China
DON'T be surprised by the answer. Remember, she's blonde
It was actually Mongolia.
what was it?
Alas, not my passport or notebook. My hairbrush.
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