how are these stories related?

A good week in the news. Here are some excerpts:

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (AP) -- FBI agents arrested evangelist Tony Alamo at an Arizona motel Thursday, alleging that he took minors across state lines for sexual purposes. . . Federal agents and Arkansas state police had raided the headquarters of Tony Alamo Christian Ministries in tiny Fouke on Saturday and removed six girls ages 10 to 17.
A preacher? No fouking way! But 17 is old enough.

CHARLESTON, W.Va. (AP) -- A West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer no longer faces a battery charge.
Too bad you can't charge a battery with methane, like all those cows and dinosaurs probably caused so-called global warming.

NAIROBI (Reuters) - Somali pirates demanded a $35 million ransom on Saturday for a Ukrainian ship they had seized which was carrying 33 tanks and other military supplies to Kenya, a maritime official said.
Ukraine would be that country close to Russia which you can see from Alaska. Kenya would be where Obama's father is from, and Somali is, is, uh.


© Science/AAAS A swath of bedrock in northern Quebec may be the oldest known piece of the earth’s crust. Researchers report that this rock is 4.28 billion years old and formed when the Earth was less than 300 million years old.
Let's see, Quebec is part of Canada which borders on Alaska, and that means it took God 300 million years plus 4.28 billion years minus 3,000 to create the dinosaurs.

A doctor was chatting about the upcoming debates with an old rancher. The rancher said, "Well, ya know, Sarah Palin is a post turtle."
"What's a post turtle?" the doctor asked.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with."