The father who doesn't like to go to hospital is still there, reading pulp fiction and enjoying the nurses—particularly the six-foot African-American one who gave him his bath. Hopefully he will be out soon.
The mother who does like going to hospital will have her spine operated on tomorrow and go into rehab a couple days later, just in time for Christmas. There's no telling when she can go home to Mexico from Minnesota. No, not that kind of rehab. . .
the founder of my place of non-matriculation
ReplyDeleteBen Franklin allegedly went on to say:
ReplyDeleteIn wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore: It's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
My favorite bit of beer wisdom is from Homer Simpson
ReplyDelete... Beer .. the cause and cure for most of life's problems ...
http://www.alice-foundation.org/
http://www.alice-foundation.org/beer.html
Beer Wisdom!
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered." Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend his time with fools."
Ernest Hemingway
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
"When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."